How Not to Raise a Psychopath. Seriously.
I can’t seem to get the little preschool ditty out of my head:
“I love mommy; she loves me.
We love daddy, yes sirree;
He loves us, and so you see,
We are a happy family.”
It is difficult to reconcile this lighthearted song with students’ blunt, matter-of-fact exclamations of “My mama whooped me,” or “My dad’s in jail.”
During my rookie year as a Head Start teacher, I was assigned a classroom that had all the hallmarks of a molotov cocktail. Three four-year-old boys, more active than the norm, enacted in school the volatility they were experiencing in their homes. The teachers modeled appropriate behavior and tried to establish an environment of normalcy within the classroom. Despite these efforts, the boys, impulsive and lacking restraint, refused to follow directions or engage in positive social interactions with their classmates.
From infancy, the trio had formed the wrong impression that verbal outbursts, intimidation and physical force were acceptable means of communicating their immediate wants. The boys’ total lack of empathy for others and extreme narcissism were two clear indicators of antisocial behavior. While alienating their peers, the threesome had forged a bond over mutually destructive interests.
The other children were understandably terrified. Parent conferences detailing the behavioral problems and possible remedies were mostly met with silence, denial, or indifference.
For the past five decades in the United States, the intact family structure — the prime unit of society — has undergone a radical fragmentation and painful metamorphosis. In 2015, the percentage of births to unmarried women were 29.2% for non-Hispanic Whites, 52.9% for Hispanics, and 70.4% for non-Hispanic Blacks. In total, 40.2% of unmarried women gave birth in the United States. The statistics correlate with the rise in fatherless homes.
The Pew Research Center reports that today only 46% of children in the United States live in a home with a first-time married father and mother in a committed, loving relationship.
Out-of-wedlock, unplanned pregnancies are factors in abortions, crime, poverty, domestic violence, and a host of social and emotional problems in offspring. Children without loving guidance and good parental models will most likely gravitate towards a life of crime and sociopathy. Individuals, parents, and educators can take proactive steps to reduce maladaptive behaviors in children and prevent future criminal acts:
- Break the cycle of dysfunctional families
The solution to major societal problems is found within our homes. In an age appropriate manner, parents should explain to young children the importance of sexual abstinence before marriage, and after nuptials, complete fidelity. Respect for self, and regard for others necessitates abstaining from premarital sex until lawfully wedded. These suggestions are not novel. They may also appear old-fashioned to many, but the empirical evidence bolsters the finding that society is unraveling. Our lackadaisical view of marriage and disdain for sexual restraint is accelerating the downward spiral.
According to the research organization Child Trends, “Children living with two married adults (biological or adoptive parents) have, in general, better health, greater access to health care, and fewer emotional or behavioral problems than children living in other types of families.” Every child deserves the love, protection and stability afforded by the presence of a married father and mother prepared to assume the responsibilities of parenthood.
- Instill a code of ethics
Children are born with a conscience, but their understanding of right and wrong is a work in progress. Within the home, or in partnership with a religious denomination of choice, parents can inculcate moral traits such as honesty, empathy, gratitude, and kindness. Recognizing the inherent worth of each individual is one of the tasks of early childhood. A child, who acts within moral boundaries, and societal expectations of propriety, receives a measure of spiritual and physical protection in the world.
Parents teach by example. Children who witness their parents welcome a new neighbor with a plate of cookies, run errands for an elderly shut-in, or give monetary assistance to the homeless, will be more inclined to duplicate these compassionate acts as adults.
- Remove pornographic material from the home
In an interview shortly before his execution in 1989, serial killer Ted Bundy attributed much of his deviancy to pornography. Pornography may not have been solely to blame for his aberrant behavior, but it was a definite factor.
Pornography, as one ecclesiastical leader notes, “…is like unto a plague sweeping across the world…” Indulging in this material destroys family relationships and pollutes the spirit and intellect. Make it a priority to shield children from its noxious, addictive influence.
- Read to children
Reading often to children in the preschool years is crucial. The resultant increase in vocabulary, reasoning skills, and cultural awareness, will help the child perform better in school. Create a home library of quality children’s literature. If cost is an impediment, the local library is an excellent option.
A sample of childhood literary favorites:
Crow Boy — Taro Yashima
The Story Of Ferdinand — Munro Leaf
Swimmy — Leo Lionni
The Magic Fish — Freya Littledale
Two Very Little Sisters — Carol Carrick
The Tenth Good Thing About Barney — Judith Viorst
- Communicate
Parents, who engage in meaningful conversations with their children, not only increase vocabulary and intellect, but also foster self-esteem and a positive sense of identity. Finding out what a child is truly feeling and thinking might entail disconnecting temporarily from the distractions of computers, video games and cell phones.
Growing up in New Jersey, the endless, hot days of summer promised carefree bike rides and raucous outdoor games with the neighborhood gang. Punctuating this reverie were the morning hours my mother reserved for Cuban history and Spanish language instruction. At the time, it felt like torture. My sister and I counted down the minutes, eager to join our patient friends stationed at the front door. In hindsight, the mental freeze frame of two young sisters, interacting with their mother at the dining room table, is the memory I treasure the most.
Connecting with children, on an emotional, cultural and intellectual level, is time well worth the investment. The social dividends far outweigh any perceived sacrifices.
- Help the child develop a talent
Author Sean Covey states: “One of the greatest gifts a parent can give a child is to help them find their talents.”
Explore the child’s interests. What does the child enjoy watching or doing? Does the child exhibit an aptitude for the fine arts, sciences, music, or sports? Teachers and family members can pinpoint intrinsic qualities, often overlooked, which can be further developed. Encouraging children’s attempts at initiating and mastering certain skills will foment feelings of competence and efficacy rather than failure. In the long-term, a child’s use of talents to benefit others in society brings the greatest satisfaction.
- Support your child’s teacher
The majority of teachers are well-intentioned advocates for children. Like parents, they want to see children thrive and succeed. A supportive alliance between school and home is a key factor in the well-being of children.
Post-Head Start, I had a chance encounter with the grandmother of one of the troubled boys I had taught. The child, now in elementary school, was not meeting the school’s expectations of behavioral or academic readiness.
“He’s bouncing off the walls,” she confided. “The teachers don’t know what to do with him.”
Her frustration betrayed the unspoken regret that my observations and recommendations, years earlier, had not been heeded.
Today, the three Head Start preschoolers are young men. I sometimes wonder what has become of them. Were they able to surmount the disadvantages of their home life through positive choices? One can only hope so.
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All photos utilized for this article are accessible under a Creative Commons license: Pixabay and Unsplash.
